back in 2004, i suffered the lost of my then best friend, former roommate and ministry partner. a friend, one whom i was proud to call my brother. that year was one of, if not THE darkest season in my whole adult life. as one my friends once told me, "dude, you're just surrounded by death". in 2004, ten people whom i knew directly (or their family member) passed away that year. i attended funerals in palm desert, california, houston and dallas. my best friend . . . . . gone. my cousin . . . . . . gone. the pastor who gave me my first full-time ministry opportunity . . . . . gone. a former co-worker . . . . . gone, and list continues.
feeling empty, yet traveling on THIS JOURNEY CALLED LIFE, i learned to hide my pain before others around me, yet hurting those closest to me. i recall the emotional downward spiral i experienced, the questions, the hurt, the emptiness, the anger, the loneliness and yes, even the depression. i knew that i was at the lowest point in my life and although, i hid it from others, or rather tried, my deposition and behavior began to manifest outwardly of the internal torment that was brewing within me. for two months during that latter part of 2004, i found myself coming home from work and really feeling lonely. for those who have visited me at home, if you hadn't notice yet, you'll notice the next time, since i like the natural light to shine in my apartmenrt, i usually open up the blinds in my living room and kitchen before i head out for the day. however, during this "dark" season (in every sense of the word) i recall coming home, a home that should be a place of peace and comfort, yet it was a place of unrelenting emotional torment and loneliness. i'd walk in to window blinds still closed from the previous day, as i entered a dark, cold place. upon entering my bedroom, i'd lay in bed, huddled with a pillow and at times weep.
day after day, week after week for two months, that was my daily routine. the odd thing about all this, is that, this was all going on while i still served at my church . . . . . every week. i must admit, it wasn't hard to "get into character" while around the saints at church, because if anything, i had this down to an art. although as time went on, i became cold and bitter to those near and dear to me. my buddy who was literally my shoulder to cry on prior to my leaving to california to my best friend's funeral, he was the one who truly saw the ugly side of me. and why? because i was hurting deep inside, yet i chose to suffer in silence. in retrospect, i must say this dear brother was truly empowered by God's grace to deal with me. honestly, (raw & unedited) but when we're hurting deep down inside, we can become just downright, rude and nasty to be people around us and not really give a crap how we make them feel. because we see it as, "it's all about me" and you know what? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.
because of my hurt, my pain, my loneliness, my emptiness (and the list goes on) i was rude, sharp, indifferent, cold and distant to this brother. finally, because of my actions or a lack thereof, we scheduled some time to meet on a monday evening after i got done with work. deep down, i wasn't looking forward to this visit, but i held my end of the deal regardless as to how i felt. we met at a nearby restaurant and in the course of his "lecture" (that's i saw it back then) i was about to get the check, pay, end the discussion and leave. looking back on that day, i truly was a mess.
we continued the conversation at my apartment. and that is where God broke me as it related toward my actions to him. i saw the hurt in my brother's eyes and the sadness in his voice, that, as a direct result of my actions. we continued our talk and when we took a break from the discussion he step away from the living room for a few minutes, it was then that the Holy Spirit convicted me like never before and for the first time (with this particular brother) i was ashamed for my actions, for what i knowingly did to hurt him. as he returned to the living room and about to sit on the couch, i told him not to. then humbly, man to man, i confessed MY SIN, of being self centered, arrogant and mean toward him. i asked him to stand in front of me, and in the most humbled act that i could think of, i told him that i was not worthy to look at him eye to eye and face to face. as i stood in front of him, i then knelt in front of him, through my tears and voice breaking, i looked up at him and asked for his forgiveness. as it did, this dear brother was telling "no, no, you don't have to." but in all honesty I had to. he gave me his hand to help me up and he embraced me and i wept, with such pain of regret. the regret of my actions to hurt my brother.
hurt has the ability to manifest itself in so many ways. when we're in the midst of hurt and heartache, at times wisdom, reason and understanding are not present, therefore in our broken state, we hurt others directly or indirectly. which ever the case may be, at some point, WE NEED to own up to our actions. remember, if there's anything out of what you have read, know this (once again) if HE did it for me, HE'LL do it for you as well.
lastly, several weeks ago, i had a heaviness for some friends of a church i had been visiting. i prayed for four couples and in my spirit i saw, hurt, pain but in the midst of that, denial. denial that there was an unresolved . . . . . . call it what you want to call it, but this "thing", this silence or pride of knowing the marriage isn't where it needs to be, yet no one says anything. or least, no one says anything to correct the situation (that's a different blog entry in the making). as i prayed for these people, these friends, God dropped this in my spirit and it holds SO VERY true to all of us, and it's this: if there's hurt in the home, it's because there's hurt in the heart. so i submit this question to you if you're hurting: are you willingly and knowingly content in living with the hurt in you? believe me, i don't want an answer, but just ask yourself that question and simply answer, yourself.
strength and honor,
[dM]
feeling empty, yet traveling on THIS JOURNEY CALLED LIFE, i learned to hide my pain before others around me, yet hurting those closest to me. i recall the emotional downward spiral i experienced, the questions, the hurt, the emptiness, the anger, the loneliness and yes, even the depression. i knew that i was at the lowest point in my life and although, i hid it from others, or rather tried, my deposition and behavior began to manifest outwardly of the internal torment that was brewing within me. for two months during that latter part of 2004, i found myself coming home from work and really feeling lonely. for those who have visited me at home, if you hadn't notice yet, you'll notice the next time, since i like the natural light to shine in my apartmenrt, i usually open up the blinds in my living room and kitchen before i head out for the day. however, during this "dark" season (in every sense of the word) i recall coming home, a home that should be a place of peace and comfort, yet it was a place of unrelenting emotional torment and loneliness. i'd walk in to window blinds still closed from the previous day, as i entered a dark, cold place. upon entering my bedroom, i'd lay in bed, huddled with a pillow and at times weep.
day after day, week after week for two months, that was my daily routine. the odd thing about all this, is that, this was all going on while i still served at my church . . . . . every week. i must admit, it wasn't hard to "get into character" while around the saints at church, because if anything, i had this down to an art. although as time went on, i became cold and bitter to those near and dear to me. my buddy who was literally my shoulder to cry on prior to my leaving to california to my best friend's funeral, he was the one who truly saw the ugly side of me. and why? because i was hurting deep inside, yet i chose to suffer in silence. in retrospect, i must say this dear brother was truly empowered by God's grace to deal with me. honestly, (raw & unedited) but when we're hurting deep down inside, we can become just downright, rude and nasty to be people around us and not really give a crap how we make them feel. because we see it as, "it's all about me" and you know what? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.
because of my hurt, my pain, my loneliness, my emptiness (and the list goes on) i was rude, sharp, indifferent, cold and distant to this brother. finally, because of my actions or a lack thereof, we scheduled some time to meet on a monday evening after i got done with work. deep down, i wasn't looking forward to this visit, but i held my end of the deal regardless as to how i felt. we met at a nearby restaurant and in the course of his "lecture" (that's i saw it back then) i was about to get the check, pay, end the discussion and leave. looking back on that day, i truly was a mess.
we continued the conversation at my apartment. and that is where God broke me as it related toward my actions to him. i saw the hurt in my brother's eyes and the sadness in his voice, that, as a direct result of my actions. we continued our talk and when we took a break from the discussion he step away from the living room for a few minutes, it was then that the Holy Spirit convicted me like never before and for the first time (with this particular brother) i was ashamed for my actions, for what i knowingly did to hurt him. as he returned to the living room and about to sit on the couch, i told him not to. then humbly, man to man, i confessed MY SIN, of being self centered, arrogant and mean toward him. i asked him to stand in front of me, and in the most humbled act that i could think of, i told him that i was not worthy to look at him eye to eye and face to face. as i stood in front of him, i then knelt in front of him, through my tears and voice breaking, i looked up at him and asked for his forgiveness. as it did, this dear brother was telling "no, no, you don't have to." but in all honesty I had to. he gave me his hand to help me up and he embraced me and i wept, with such pain of regret. the regret of my actions to hurt my brother.
hurt has the ability to manifest itself in so many ways. when we're in the midst of hurt and heartache, at times wisdom, reason and understanding are not present, therefore in our broken state, we hurt others directly or indirectly. which ever the case may be, at some point, WE NEED to own up to our actions. remember, if there's anything out of what you have read, know this (once again) if HE did it for me, HE'LL do it for you as well.
lastly, several weeks ago, i had a heaviness for some friends of a church i had been visiting. i prayed for four couples and in my spirit i saw, hurt, pain but in the midst of that, denial. denial that there was an unresolved . . . . . . call it what you want to call it, but this "thing", this silence or pride of knowing the marriage isn't where it needs to be, yet no one says anything. or least, no one says anything to correct the situation (that's a different blog entry in the making). as i prayed for these people, these friends, God dropped this in my spirit and it holds SO VERY true to all of us, and it's this: if there's hurt in the home, it's because there's hurt in the heart. so i submit this question to you if you're hurting: are you willingly and knowingly content in living with the hurt in you? believe me, i don't want an answer, but just ask yourself that question and simply answer, yourself.
strength and honor,
[dM]
No comments:
Post a Comment