"no man, for any considerable period of time, can wear one face to himself and another to the mulititude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the truth" ---nathaniel hawthorne
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Friday, February 27, 2009
oh no!, not me (part 2)
about 10 years ago i became part of the management team for an international ministry based in the DFW area. several months had past and all was going well (or so i thought). the person i worked direct for happened to be out of town as part of his usual ministry business. i knew that one of the ministry's executive officers was arriving in town during my supervisor's trip. this executive officer would come to visit us and meet with area ministers whenever he was in town, so naturally, i thought this would be another one of those visits.
oddly enough, during his second day's visit to the office, he called me into a vacant office that he would use during his trip to the area and he gave me the news that he was actually in town to "let me go". that's right, his trip from another part of the country was to "dismiss" me, hence giving me the reason that my position was going to be eliminated. of course i had no knowledge of staff changes that were happening. during the course of his discussion with me, he asked if i was aware of the changes that were going to be made. i told him that i didn't, then his facial expression changed, because my supervisor was to give me notice of the pending staff reorganization. not only did my superior fail to inform me, but i later came to find out that he asked the executive officer to come and release me during the time he was going to be out of town.
so that day, i gathered my things and left only having to return the next morning to finalize some pending financial matters. when i arrived the next morning, i noticed that they had changed the security code on the alarm system (i'm thinking what for? you've got my key). after i sat with the executive officer and walked him through all the pending checks and invoices and so on, i left. i left wounded, feeling how could my supervisor do this to me. to go out of town, go through the expense of flying someone in (on ministry money mind you) in order to release me. the man didn't even notify me as instructed by his superiors. i think that would have left and ANYONE a little furious. that event was the beginning of one of the worst ministry experiences that i had to deal with. anger, bitterness, hurt, disbelief and offence begin to settle in. and if you think that's was the worst of it, in all honesty, it truly doesn't get better for sure.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
thursday's quote
"God gave us eyes so that we might see; He gave us ears that we might hear; He gave us wills that we might choose, and He gave us heart that we might live" ---john eldredge from his book wild at heart
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
wednesday's quote
"the tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives" ---albert schweitzer
oh no!, not me (part 1)
we've all experienced it. we've all done it. yet some CHOOSE to live with it, a weight that is at times is unbearable. what could it be? it's something that if we are not careful it has the potential to affect more that just you, but those closet to you. it's offence, i'm almost certain that word has triggered a past discussion, deed or person in your mind, perhaps something that you're having to deal with even as you read this. there are several factors involved with offence such as, was it intentional or unintentional, perception (how something was said, as opposed to how it was meant) when we fail to hold true to our word, the whole "but you said" scenario. could it be our deeds, in what you do or say out of anger, hurt or disappointment.
some of what i'll share in these next few entries will be from john bevere's book, the bait of satan. when addressing such a personal topic one must understand that one can overcome offence, i'm a living witness to that. i learned my lesson on this the hard way. yes, this book was a tool that was brought to my attention by a former college roommate and friend. i recall i was sitting traffic on my cell phone talking to this dear brother and explaining to him a situation/disagreement that i had with someone and i was "just speaking my mind and venting". the reality of it is that i wanted someone to see it my way and agree with me and take my side. oddly enough, some of you are right on track with me on that.
psalm 55: 12-14 states: If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God. the closer the relationship, the more severe the offence and you will find the greatest hatred among people who were once close. i don't know about anyone else, but i've experienced both sides of offence and it's not a nice ride. the next few entries will be on this topic that so many of us have had to go through, unfortunately, when it's with others from the "church" things tend to get a little "outta hand". so as i heard a pastor once say "you better put your seat belt on, 'cause i'm comin' down your street"
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
monday's quote
"a friend is someone who knows you as you are, understands where you've been, accepts who you've become, and still invites you to grow." ---stu weber
the transparent man
as he sat there trying his best to hold his tears back, there was such a deafening silence in the room. slowly he mustered up the courage to continue telling his story. this man sat, with what seemed like and overwhelming sense of fear yet, the truth of the matter is, he has stood before the masses in confidence. however this was different, very different. as many men know yet choose to not address, it's this: at times we hold a secret sin that has kept us in bondage for too long, while we continue to serve in His work.
this man sat for hours, sharing his story, with all the details as to how he covered up his sins before many. skillfully and cunningly holding it far from others to know, yet ironically, held it so close to himself as it consumed this life. this wasn't something that he just randomly chose to pick up as a habit one day when he awoke. this was a sin that was a result of events that were planned early on in his life and never addressed, so in essence, never conquered. so after years for hiding and fighting this stronghold that had overtaken him, he sought Godly counsel, advice and accountability.
it doesn't come naturally for a man to be completely transparent with others, but it most certainly is a process that takes time, for some, quicker than others. for others, a little longer than some. this man is one whom i've known for years, YET was shocked to hear of the sin he was involved in during the time he served in the church as a paid full-time staff member. although this man is younger than i, yet i admire him for his candor and willingness to speak from the heart of the sin that once held him captive in his heart, mind and body. the graphic details of his deeds and the endless amounts of wasted money by the hundreds, all to feed a sin that was so dark and deep, yet he kept it hidden.
he knew that is was only a matter of time before somehow, some way, he would fail to cover his tracks and that his sin would be reveled for all to see. not to mention, the level of torment that he fought with on at daily basis. thankfully, the spiritual wound was in it's beginning stages for being healed along with discipline, accountability, guidance and counsel, he prevailed over what could have brought his ministry down. in the course our conversation, one that went on well into the next day (ending at 5:00am) he admitted, that the way he was able to hide so much, for so long, from so many was this "the devil protects his own" meaning if you dabble in it a little, the enemy will entice you in his destructive web of deceit, lies, masks etc. in order to hide it from others.
are you willing to continue in your ways? or can you "BE A REAL MAN" and take responsibility for your actions, or as i like to say, "man up and own up" to what holds you captive. can we as men truly be the transparent man? not to the world or the masses, but to least ONE single person?? one who love and not judge, one who will encourage and not despise, one who can admire and respect you for your honesty and ability to be forthcoming. we ALL need someone to lean on while on this journey, who's your friend or brother that you lean on?
i leave you with this, from his sermon titled the spirit of jacob bishop t.d. jakes shares " you may have done the things they said you've done, but you are not who they say you are." so i submit this to you, who do YOU say you are?
this man sat for hours, sharing his story, with all the details as to how he covered up his sins before many. skillfully and cunningly holding it far from others to know, yet ironically, held it so close to himself as it consumed this life. this wasn't something that he just randomly chose to pick up as a habit one day when he awoke. this was a sin that was a result of events that were planned early on in his life and never addressed, so in essence, never conquered. so after years for hiding and fighting this stronghold that had overtaken him, he sought Godly counsel, advice and accountability.
it doesn't come naturally for a man to be completely transparent with others, but it most certainly is a process that takes time, for some, quicker than others. for others, a little longer than some. this man is one whom i've known for years, YET was shocked to hear of the sin he was involved in during the time he served in the church as a paid full-time staff member. although this man is younger than i, yet i admire him for his candor and willingness to speak from the heart of the sin that once held him captive in his heart, mind and body. the graphic details of his deeds and the endless amounts of wasted money by the hundreds, all to feed a sin that was so dark and deep, yet he kept it hidden.
he knew that is was only a matter of time before somehow, some way, he would fail to cover his tracks and that his sin would be reveled for all to see. not to mention, the level of torment that he fought with on at daily basis. thankfully, the spiritual wound was in it's beginning stages for being healed along with discipline, accountability, guidance and counsel, he prevailed over what could have brought his ministry down. in the course our conversation, one that went on well into the next day (ending at 5:00am) he admitted, that the way he was able to hide so much, for so long, from so many was this "the devil protects his own" meaning if you dabble in it a little, the enemy will entice you in his destructive web of deceit, lies, masks etc. in order to hide it from others.
are you willing to continue in your ways? or can you "BE A REAL MAN" and take responsibility for your actions, or as i like to say, "man up and own up" to what holds you captive. can we as men truly be the transparent man? not to the world or the masses, but to least ONE single person?? one who love and not judge, one who will encourage and not despise, one who can admire and respect you for your honesty and ability to be forthcoming. we ALL need someone to lean on while on this journey, who's your friend or brother that you lean on?
i leave you with this, from his sermon titled the spirit of jacob bishop t.d. jakes shares " you may have done the things they said you've done, but you are not who they say you are." so i submit this to you, who do YOU say you are?
Friday, February 20, 2009
friday's quote
"we can't judge others by their actions then judge ourselves by our intentions" ---quote from the movie facing the gaints
a short course in human relationships
the following is taken from relationships 101 by john c. maxwell
- the least important word: i
- the most important word: we
- the two most important words: thank you
- the three most important words: all is forgiven
- the four most important words: what is your opinion?
- the five most important words: you did a good job
- the six most important words: i want to understand you better
Thursday, February 19, 2009
thursday's quote
"to be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved" ---george mac donald (scottish poet)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
wednesday's quote
"people don't care how much you know, until they know who much you care" ---john c. maxwell
hurting people, hurt people
back in 2004, i suffered the lost of my then best friend, former roommate and ministry partner. a friend, one whom i was proud to call my brother. that year was one of, if not THE darkest season in my whole adult life. as one my friends once told me, "dude, you're just surrounded by death". in 2004, ten people whom i knew directly (or their family member) passed away that year. i attended funerals in palm desert, california, houston and dallas. my best friend . . . . . gone. my cousin . . . . . . gone. the pastor who gave me my first full-time ministry opportunity . . . . . gone. a former co-worker . . . . . gone, and list continues.
feeling empty, yet traveling on THIS JOURNEY CALLED LIFE, i learned to hide my pain before others around me, yet hurting those closest to me. i recall the emotional downward spiral i experienced, the questions, the hurt, the emptiness, the anger, the loneliness and yes, even the depression. i knew that i was at the lowest point in my life and although, i hid it from others, or rather tried, my deposition and behavior began to manifest outwardly of the internal torment that was brewing within me. for two months during that latter part of 2004, i found myself coming home from work and really feeling lonely. for those who have visited me at home, if you hadn't notice yet, you'll notice the next time, since i like the natural light to shine in my apartmenrt, i usually open up the blinds in my living room and kitchen before i head out for the day. however, during this "dark" season (in every sense of the word) i recall coming home, a home that should be a place of peace and comfort, yet it was a place of unrelenting emotional torment and loneliness. i'd walk in to window blinds still closed from the previous day, as i entered a dark, cold place. upon entering my bedroom, i'd lay in bed, huddled with a pillow and at times weep.
day after day, week after week for two months, that was my daily routine. the odd thing about all this, is that, this was all going on while i still served at my church . . . . . every week. i must admit, it wasn't hard to "get into character" while around the saints at church, because if anything, i had this down to an art. although as time went on, i became cold and bitter to those near and dear to me. my buddy who was literally my shoulder to cry on prior to my leaving to california to my best friend's funeral, he was the one who truly saw the ugly side of me. and why? because i was hurting deep inside, yet i chose to suffer in silence. in retrospect, i must say this dear brother was truly empowered by God's grace to deal with me. honestly, (raw & unedited) but when we're hurting deep down inside, we can become just downright, rude and nasty to be people around us and not really give a crap how we make them feel. because we see it as, "it's all about me" and you know what? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.
because of my hurt, my pain, my loneliness, my emptiness (and the list goes on) i was rude, sharp, indifferent, cold and distant to this brother. finally, because of my actions or a lack thereof, we scheduled some time to meet on a monday evening after i got done with work. deep down, i wasn't looking forward to this visit, but i held my end of the deal regardless as to how i felt. we met at a nearby restaurant and in the course of his "lecture" (that's i saw it back then) i was about to get the check, pay, end the discussion and leave. looking back on that day, i truly was a mess.
we continued the conversation at my apartment. and that is where God broke me as it related toward my actions to him. i saw the hurt in my brother's eyes and the sadness in his voice, that, as a direct result of my actions. we continued our talk and when we took a break from the discussion he step away from the living room for a few minutes, it was then that the Holy Spirit convicted me like never before and for the first time (with this particular brother) i was ashamed for my actions, for what i knowingly did to hurt him. as he returned to the living room and about to sit on the couch, i told him not to. then humbly, man to man, i confessed MY SIN, of being self centered, arrogant and mean toward him. i asked him to stand in front of me, and in the most humbled act that i could think of, i told him that i was not worthy to look at him eye to eye and face to face. as i stood in front of him, i then knelt in front of him, through my tears and voice breaking, i looked up at him and asked for his forgiveness. as it did, this dear brother was telling "no, no, you don't have to." but in all honesty I had to. he gave me his hand to help me up and he embraced me and i wept, with such pain of regret. the regret of my actions to hurt my brother.
hurt has the ability to manifest itself in so many ways. when we're in the midst of hurt and heartache, at times wisdom, reason and understanding are not present, therefore in our broken state, we hurt others directly or indirectly. which ever the case may be, at some point, WE NEED to own up to our actions. remember, if there's anything out of what you have read, know this (once again) if HE did it for me, HE'LL do it for you as well.
lastly, several weeks ago, i had a heaviness for some friends of a church i had been visiting. i prayed for four couples and in my spirit i saw, hurt, pain but in the midst of that, denial. denial that there was an unresolved . . . . . . call it what you want to call it, but this "thing", this silence or pride of knowing the marriage isn't where it needs to be, yet no one says anything. or least, no one says anything to correct the situation (that's a different blog entry in the making). as i prayed for these people, these friends, God dropped this in my spirit and it holds SO VERY true to all of us, and it's this: if there's hurt in the home, it's because there's hurt in the heart. so i submit this question to you if you're hurting: are you willingly and knowingly content in living with the hurt in you? believe me, i don't want an answer, but just ask yourself that question and simply answer, yourself.
strength and honor,
[dM]
feeling empty, yet traveling on THIS JOURNEY CALLED LIFE, i learned to hide my pain before others around me, yet hurting those closest to me. i recall the emotional downward spiral i experienced, the questions, the hurt, the emptiness, the anger, the loneliness and yes, even the depression. i knew that i was at the lowest point in my life and although, i hid it from others, or rather tried, my deposition and behavior began to manifest outwardly of the internal torment that was brewing within me. for two months during that latter part of 2004, i found myself coming home from work and really feeling lonely. for those who have visited me at home, if you hadn't notice yet, you'll notice the next time, since i like the natural light to shine in my apartmenrt, i usually open up the blinds in my living room and kitchen before i head out for the day. however, during this "dark" season (in every sense of the word) i recall coming home, a home that should be a place of peace and comfort, yet it was a place of unrelenting emotional torment and loneliness. i'd walk in to window blinds still closed from the previous day, as i entered a dark, cold place. upon entering my bedroom, i'd lay in bed, huddled with a pillow and at times weep.
day after day, week after week for two months, that was my daily routine. the odd thing about all this, is that, this was all going on while i still served at my church . . . . . every week. i must admit, it wasn't hard to "get into character" while around the saints at church, because if anything, i had this down to an art. although as time went on, i became cold and bitter to those near and dear to me. my buddy who was literally my shoulder to cry on prior to my leaving to california to my best friend's funeral, he was the one who truly saw the ugly side of me. and why? because i was hurting deep inside, yet i chose to suffer in silence. in retrospect, i must say this dear brother was truly empowered by God's grace to deal with me. honestly, (raw & unedited) but when we're hurting deep down inside, we can become just downright, rude and nasty to be people around us and not really give a crap how we make them feel. because we see it as, "it's all about me" and you know what? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.
because of my hurt, my pain, my loneliness, my emptiness (and the list goes on) i was rude, sharp, indifferent, cold and distant to this brother. finally, because of my actions or a lack thereof, we scheduled some time to meet on a monday evening after i got done with work. deep down, i wasn't looking forward to this visit, but i held my end of the deal regardless as to how i felt. we met at a nearby restaurant and in the course of his "lecture" (that's i saw it back then) i was about to get the check, pay, end the discussion and leave. looking back on that day, i truly was a mess.
we continued the conversation at my apartment. and that is where God broke me as it related toward my actions to him. i saw the hurt in my brother's eyes and the sadness in his voice, that, as a direct result of my actions. we continued our talk and when we took a break from the discussion he step away from the living room for a few minutes, it was then that the Holy Spirit convicted me like never before and for the first time (with this particular brother) i was ashamed for my actions, for what i knowingly did to hurt him. as he returned to the living room and about to sit on the couch, i told him not to. then humbly, man to man, i confessed MY SIN, of being self centered, arrogant and mean toward him. i asked him to stand in front of me, and in the most humbled act that i could think of, i told him that i was not worthy to look at him eye to eye and face to face. as i stood in front of him, i then knelt in front of him, through my tears and voice breaking, i looked up at him and asked for his forgiveness. as it did, this dear brother was telling "no, no, you don't have to." but in all honesty I had to. he gave me his hand to help me up and he embraced me and i wept, with such pain of regret. the regret of my actions to hurt my brother.
hurt has the ability to manifest itself in so many ways. when we're in the midst of hurt and heartache, at times wisdom, reason and understanding are not present, therefore in our broken state, we hurt others directly or indirectly. which ever the case may be, at some point, WE NEED to own up to our actions. remember, if there's anything out of what you have read, know this (once again) if HE did it for me, HE'LL do it for you as well.
lastly, several weeks ago, i had a heaviness for some friends of a church i had been visiting. i prayed for four couples and in my spirit i saw, hurt, pain but in the midst of that, denial. denial that there was an unresolved . . . . . . call it what you want to call it, but this "thing", this silence or pride of knowing the marriage isn't where it needs to be, yet no one says anything. or least, no one says anything to correct the situation (that's a different blog entry in the making). as i prayed for these people, these friends, God dropped this in my spirit and it holds SO VERY true to all of us, and it's this: if there's hurt in the home, it's because there's hurt in the heart. so i submit this question to you if you're hurting: are you willingly and knowingly content in living with the hurt in you? believe me, i don't want an answer, but just ask yourself that question and simply answer, yourself.
strength and honor,
[dM]
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
monday's quote
"it is better to admit your ignorance, than to prove it by your experience." ---michael rowan
the beginning
over the course of the last few months, i've toyed with the idea of blogging my thoughts, ideas and encounters that i experience. one may say, but why? well, just as i've been encouraged by what many of my friends who have shared in their own blogs, i felt "heck, why not?"
by God's unmerited favor, also known as GRACE, i've come along way from the man i used to be, i've been in a season of my life, that as a man, God has given me the ability to be open, honest and transparent to other brothers in what i experience in life. my heart aches for the endless amounts of brothers who give so much of themselves for the sake of the ministry that at times we run on empty. i feel we don't have a safe haven, a place that as a man, i can share my most haunting pain, disappointment, hurt, discouragement, anger etc. to other brother. a brother that will love me, encourage me and if need be, CORRECT me.
i've chosen to share my life, my story, my experiences . . . . . the good the bad and the ugly. why? because in all sincerity, i truly feel that the generation before us, powerful men of God who did awesome and mighty things for the Kingdom, many who are now entering the prime and golden years in life. those who are or have reach the season of handing it all over, to a younger generation. those men who have kept the faith, some have gone on to be with their Creator, many if not all have gone to the grave with a wounded and bleeding soul, because they took their, hurt, pain and suffering with them.
as men in ministry can certainly attest to the fact, we will reach a point of wanting to give up and throw in the towel, yet somehow we continue do what He has called to do. YES, even we need a place to be open and honest a place that we can feel safe, a place where we will not be judged for our feelings and thoughts. if we are not careful, literally it's only a matter of time before we explode, because, as i like to say, "we CHOOSE to suffer in silence", and that's one of the worse things we can do.
simply put, if you were at a crossroad, you have several options at your disposal. you could go FORWARD, you could go BACKWARD, you could turn LEFT or you could turn RIGHT. in plain sight those are the only options available. but the reality of it, there are not FOUR options, but FIVE. and no, it's not going "up" (what, you've got wings or something??) the other option is doing NOTHING. doing nothing is a decision in itself. if we choose not to go FORWARD, BACKWARD, LEFT or RIGHT, then we have made a decision to do nothing, and that's a dangerous place to be. when we've knowingly made a decision to do nothing and suffer in silence, rather than make the decision to "MAN UP" and be proactive.
to all who read this and future postings, but especially my brothers, my male counterparts, we need, we truly need to know and understand, not only in our mind, but in our spirit, that I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS. hopefully you'll be encouraged and in some regards, relate to what is shared, ultimately it is ALL to bring GLORY TO GOD AND GOD ALONE.
strength and honor,
[dM]
by God's unmerited favor, also known as GRACE, i've come along way from the man i used to be, i've been in a season of my life, that as a man, God has given me the ability to be open, honest and transparent to other brothers in what i experience in life. my heart aches for the endless amounts of brothers who give so much of themselves for the sake of the ministry that at times we run on empty. i feel we don't have a safe haven, a place that as a man, i can share my most haunting pain, disappointment, hurt, discouragement, anger etc. to other brother. a brother that will love me, encourage me and if need be, CORRECT me.
i've chosen to share my life, my story, my experiences . . . . . the good the bad and the ugly. why? because in all sincerity, i truly feel that the generation before us, powerful men of God who did awesome and mighty things for the Kingdom, many who are now entering the prime and golden years in life. those who are or have reach the season of handing it all over, to a younger generation. those men who have kept the faith, some have gone on to be with their Creator, many if not all have gone to the grave with a wounded and bleeding soul, because they took their, hurt, pain and suffering with them.
as men in ministry can certainly attest to the fact, we will reach a point of wanting to give up and throw in the towel, yet somehow we continue do what He has called to do. YES, even we need a place to be open and honest a place that we can feel safe, a place where we will not be judged for our feelings and thoughts. if we are not careful, literally it's only a matter of time before we explode, because, as i like to say, "we CHOOSE to suffer in silence", and that's one of the worse things we can do.
simply put, if you were at a crossroad, you have several options at your disposal. you could go FORWARD, you could go BACKWARD, you could turn LEFT or you could turn RIGHT. in plain sight those are the only options available. but the reality of it, there are not FOUR options, but FIVE. and no, it's not going "up" (what, you've got wings or something??) the other option is doing NOTHING. doing nothing is a decision in itself. if we choose not to go FORWARD, BACKWARD, LEFT or RIGHT, then we have made a decision to do nothing, and that's a dangerous place to be. when we've knowingly made a decision to do nothing and suffer in silence, rather than make the decision to "MAN UP" and be proactive.
to all who read this and future postings, but especially my brothers, my male counterparts, we need, we truly need to know and understand, not only in our mind, but in our spirit, that I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS. hopefully you'll be encouraged and in some regards, relate to what is shared, ultimately it is ALL to bring GLORY TO GOD AND GOD ALONE.
strength and honor,
[dM]
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